Morning thoughts

Today is the beginning of day six. I haven't vaporized in five days. Yesterday was the first day in four days that I had something something to drink. I drank wine with dinner and just as I thought it, made me want to smoke more. Not a pleasant experience. I observed this want and instead of dwelling on it, I did something else. Talked with a friend, watched TV, watched the sun set.

Physical reactions to my sudden quit may have been hard to identify as that or the cause of something else. But I get headaches in the mornings more often. Like right now. Emotional reactions have been numerous. I've been wanting to indulge more in food, shopping, naps etc. In a way I've felt more witty, I think I laugh more. I was worried I would be short tempered and irritable. When I have felt this way, it hasn't been more then usual and only last a second.

I've been experiencing the need for more social interactions. Which is good but a bummer because most of my friends smoke and I'm avoiding being around it like the plague. So, I've been calling a couple people but they're so busy. So, I've felt lonely. I HATE this feeling.

This past week I have not suffered through the beginning of this change. I've been to acupuncture twice and had a massage. I am not working so I've had time to focus on myself. I've tried to lay out in the sun the little it has been out. I've read, listened to jazz, cooked good dinners, worked on projects and watched movies. My boyfriend has been supportive and loving.

It has been helpful to have a plan each day. Today my plan is to get up soon, eat and drive my scooter down to the train station. Buy some tickets to PDX for an upcoming trip and the drive to the water front where I'm going to go for a run. I'm excited about this, I've never done it before and I find peace being near the water. Then I'm going to go to a NIA class, also very excited about that. After, at home I really want to meditate but don't know how. So maybe i'll learn about that. Want to sell stuff on craigslist etc.

Being physically active has really helped me! The act of running or dancing is something I never wanted to do high so I free of that want as long as I'm doing it. Then if I push myself hard enough I feel high off endorphins after and it feels great!

So its going good. Don't get me wrong. I get super judgmental on myself for letting it get this bad. This upcoming week I'm going to try to talk to a professional because I feel this crazy need to tell someone about the details of my life on weed and my determination and fear regarding quitting.

Literally before almost everything I do, the thought of getting high pops into my head. Coming home, going shopping, watching TV, turning on my vaporizer, grinding up my pot and making it happen because it's a habit. A habit I've let touch every little aspect of my life and now I'm without it. And I have to create the new habit of NOT being high for everything.

Yesterday I toyed with the idea of starting again and not telling anyone, just lying all the time. Immediately I knew I would be found out and everyone including myself would feel betrayed. The only option after that would be inpatient somewhere and I really don't want to do that.

So this is good. Still I wish I could just do it recreationally, like on weekends or whatever but I can't. When I smoke, I do it like its my job. No control. I can function but I can't control it. So I need this time and future time to not do it and maybe in the future , if it happens, I'l be able to enjoy it just once a month on weekends or whatever.

Quitting has given me a lot to think about regarding legalizing it. More on that later. Wish me positivity and perseverance.

Tommorow is the day

Hello

I am a girl, mid-twenties, who has decided to, finally once and for all, quit smoking (actually vaporizing) pot. I have been a heavy user for the last nine years. I've quit before, sometimes up to 6 months. The last time I felt motivated to quit was January 2008. I know I need to quit now because I will be going to school in a month where my quality of memory is going to become very important. But I have other reasons for quitting too.

Though I feel I havn't let my pot use get in the way of having a fulfilling, happy, and successful life I know that I abuse it. I know, after all this time, that I can't do in moderation. Either I'm using, sometimes multiple times a day or can't use at all. I know that sometimes after I've vaporized and have achieved that treasured relaxed, light headed state, feelings of guilt bubble up. Guilt around subjecting my body (lungs) to daily abuse. Guilt for successfully tricking everyone around me into believing my state-of-high is my normal way of being. My sister is the only one who has said she can tell when I'm high. Everyone else, my parents, housemates, boyfriend, employers either said they can't tell or just don't have any idea.

Honestly, for a long time I got off on fooling everyone. I am not the stereotype pot head. The entire time I have been getting super high I've maintained healthy familial relationships, graduated high school, got an AA degree. Worked 60 hour weeks in three different jobs to save for back packing around Europe and did it. Managed the production side of a small hand made candle business. Made time for friendships and learning an instrument. I would say most people think I'm reliable, good to talk to and up for new things. I love to work out and dance. I have not let my daily pot use get in the way of what I've wanted. However, it became a part of my daily experiences. At first it was a fun challenge to do normal and potentially boring things, bus rides, cooking, shopping, bill paying, walks in the neighborhood while being nice and high. I liked to be a secret, high functioning pot head. I liked to secretly challenge the stigma that people who smoke pot as much as me are unmotivated, loser, wastes of space.

Recently I've realized that now the challenge for me is in doing these everyday things sober. This is a very embarrassing and sad thing to admit. I try not to judge myself too much for the mental addiction I have indulged this last almost decade. I'm trying to remain positive and have a sense of humor about it.

So today is my last day vaporizing. I have tried to go to pot smoking extremes these last few days to get rid of my bag by tomorrow. I will have succeeded by tonight. Also to try to create some kind of weed hang over so maybe tomorrow I won't even want to.

So I've tried to quit before but this time I'm doing some things different. I have dance, acupuncture and massage plans this week. I am going to read a good book, work on an art project, actually enlist some friends for support. Allow myself to really mourn this week. This probably sounds dumb to anyone who hasn't had an addiction but I'm treating this like a break up. Its okay to treat myself gently this week, eat healthy, take naps, cry whenever, maybe go to an MA group, be sad, purposefully not drink, maybe find a 'free' substance abuse counselor. I've never been to a counselor before and I'm not oppose to it but I feel so sensitive about it that if I found a counselor that was a jerk or rude I might be scarred. But I want to also be positive, have a sense of humor about things.

I'm new to blogging. But anyone who might read this and has some encouraging things to say I would love to hear it.

Upcoming events that might be hard: Evening cartoons-sober, parliament funkadelic-sober.