Monday, August 31, 2009

Tommorow is the day

Hello

I am a girl, mid-twenties, who has decided to, finally once and for all, quit smoking (actually vaporizing) pot. I have been a heavy user for the last nine years. I've quit before, sometimes up to 6 months. The last time I felt motivated to quit was January 2008. I know I need to quit now because I will be going to school in a month where my quality of memory is going to become very important. But I have other reasons for quitting too.

Though I feel I havn't let my pot use get in the way of having a fulfilling, happy, and successful life I know that I abuse it. I know, after all this time, that I can't do in moderation. Either I'm using, sometimes multiple times a day or can't use at all. I know that sometimes after I've vaporized and have achieved that treasured relaxed, light headed state, feelings of guilt bubble up. Guilt around subjecting my body (lungs) to daily abuse. Guilt for successfully tricking everyone around me into believing my state-of-high is my normal way of being. My sister is the only one who has said she can tell when I'm high. Everyone else, my parents, housemates, boyfriend, employers either said they can't tell or just don't have any idea.

Honestly, for a long time I got off on fooling everyone. I am not the stereotype pot head. The entire time I have been getting super high I've maintained healthy familial relationships, graduated high school, got an AA degree. Worked 60 hour weeks in three different jobs to save for back packing around Europe and did it. Managed the production side of a small hand made candle business. Made time for friendships and learning an instrument. I would say most people think I'm reliable, good to talk to and up for new things. I love to work out and dance. I have not let my daily pot use get in the way of what I've wanted. However, it became a part of my daily experiences. At first it was a fun challenge to do normal and potentially boring things, bus rides, cooking, shopping, bill paying, walks in the neighborhood while being nice and high. I liked to be a secret, high functioning pot head. I liked to secretly challenge the stigma that people who smoke pot as much as me are unmotivated, loser, wastes of space.

Recently I've realized that now the challenge for me is in doing these everyday things sober. This is a very embarrassing and sad thing to admit. I try not to judge myself too much for the mental addiction I have indulged this last almost decade. I'm trying to remain positive and have a sense of humor about it.

So today is my last day vaporizing. I have tried to go to pot smoking extremes these last few days to get rid of my bag by tomorrow. I will have succeeded by tonight. Also to try to create some kind of weed hang over so maybe tomorrow I won't even want to.

So I've tried to quit before but this time I'm doing some things different. I have dance, acupuncture and massage plans this week. I am going to read a good book, work on an art project, actually enlist some friends for support. Allow myself to really mourn this week. This probably sounds dumb to anyone who hasn't had an addiction but I'm treating this like a break up. Its okay to treat myself gently this week, eat healthy, take naps, cry whenever, maybe go to an MA group, be sad, purposefully not drink, maybe find a 'free' substance abuse counselor. I've never been to a counselor before and I'm not oppose to it but I feel so sensitive about it that if I found a counselor that was a jerk or rude I might be scarred. But I want to also be positive, have a sense of humor about things.

I'm new to blogging. But anyone who might read this and has some encouraging things to say I would love to hear it.

Upcoming events that might be hard: Evening cartoons-sober, parliament funkadelic-sober.

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