Physical reactions to my sudden quit may have been hard to identify as that or the cause of something else. But I get headaches in the mornings more often. Like right now. Emotional reactions have been numerous. I've been wanting to indulge more in food, shopping, naps etc. In a way I've felt more witty, I think I laugh more. I was worried I would be short tempered and irritable. When I have felt this way, it hasn't been more then usual and only last a second.
I've been experiencing the need for more social interactions. Which is good but a bummer because most of my friends smoke and I'm avoiding being around it like the plague. So, I've been calling a couple people but they're so busy. So, I've felt lonely. I HATE this feeling.
This past week I have not suffered through the beginning of this change. I've been to acupuncture twice and had a massage. I am not working so I've had time to focus on myself. I've tried to lay out in the sun the little it has been out. I've read, listened to jazz, cooked good dinners, worked on projects and watched movies. My boyfriend has been supportive and loving.
It has been helpful to have a plan each day. Today my plan is to get up soon, eat and drive my scooter down to the train station. Buy some tickets to PDX for an upcoming trip and the drive to the water front where I'm going to go for a run. I'm excited about this, I've never done it before and I find peace being near the water. Then I'm going to go to a NIA class, also very excited about that. After, at home I really want to meditate but don't know how. So maybe i'll learn about that. Want to sell stuff on craigslist etc.
Being physically active has really helped me! The act of running or dancing is something I never wanted to do high so I free of that want as long as I'm doing it. Then if I push myself hard enough I feel high off endorphins after and it feels great!
So its going good. Don't get me wrong. I get super judgmental on myself for letting it get this bad. This upcoming week I'm going to try to talk to a professional because I feel this crazy need to tell someone about the details of my life on weed and my determination and fear regarding quitting.
Literally before almost everything I do, the thought of getting high pops into my head. Coming home, going shopping, watching TV, turning on my vaporizer, grinding up my pot and making it happen because it's a habit. A habit I've let touch every little aspect of my life and now I'm without it. And I have to create the new habit of NOT being high for everything.
Yesterday I toyed with the idea of starting again and not telling anyone, just lying all the time. Immediately I knew I would be found out and everyone including myself would feel betrayed. The only option after that would be inpatient somewhere and I really don't want to do that.
So this is good. Still I wish I could just do it recreationally, like on weekends or whatever but I can't. When I smoke, I do it like its my job. No control. I can function but I can't control it. So I need this time and future time to not do it and maybe in the future , if it happens, I'l be able to enjoy it just once a month on weekends or whatever.
Quitting has given me a lot to think about regarding legalizing it. More on that later. Wish me positivity and perseverance.
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